Love Means Never Having To Say You're Sorry

I used my husband's battery operated sideburn trimmer without permission to shave my pubes and accidentally dropped it in the toilet.

Naturally, I panicked, snatched it out of the water as quickly as possible and preformed the "on/off, on/off" test to make sure it still worked.  YES!  Still works.

Totally embarrassed and afraid of getting in trouble (I spontaneously regress to age five when faced with awkward situations), I did the first thing that came to mind - I hid the trimmer in the bottom drawer of my vanity under a box of tampons.

The other day, I walked in on him shaving his sideburns....with the razor.

I still feel bad about not telling him.  I think I'm going to buy him a new one for Christmas.

Dinner with a side of Torture

Everyone told me, "It is impossible to fuck up a crock pot meal. You just stick it in the pot and leave it."

Well, guess what.....It is possible!

Here's what happened:

I went for an easy, no brainer, recipe first. Pork chops and apples with a cinnamon and brown sugar glaze. I followed the directions to a T. Ok. To be honest, I only had three pork chops and the recipe called for 6 so I improvised.

Unfortunately my improvising didn't take into account cooking time because after only two hours the chops were completely cooked. Shit! Like any logical person I decided to stick the pot in the fridge. I figured I could just heat it up again after a few hours so we could eat it at dinner time, but after several hours of chilling out in the refrigerator, I noticed a fat slurry floating on the top. I thought the fat would reconstitute itself after I reheated it and no one would be the wiser.

As you can see, my genius plan didn't work. That white stuff is congealed fat (even after 30 minutes of reheating on high). The photo is a bit misleading since it appears as if the chops look edible. In reality, they were grey. Yes grey. Not exactly an appetizing color for pork. The apples were grease soaked mush.

Maybe plating it would make it look better. Chefs always make a big deal about plating on Top Chef.

ew

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Next I tried ham and scalloped potatoes. Again, a recipe with few ingredients. Something for a beginner. Easy peasy. Right?

It looked somewhat appetizing in the pot. Then I put it on a plate........

"What's for dinner mom?"

"Beige."

It tasted like beige.

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After my failures with pork, I decided chicken might be a little easier. Don't ask me why. Chicken just seems easy. I wanted to go exotic so I found a recipe for honey and soy sauce glazed chicken breasts.

This tasted as good as it looks........completely dried out, yet surprisingly greasy. You're welcome family!

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My husband convinced me that I could not possibly screw up a roast if I cooked it in the crock pot. He must have been drunk to have such faith in me, or he was just being nice because he wanted to have sex that night because I did indeed, screw it up.

I forgot to remove the blood pad thingie that the butcher puts under the meat before I cooked it.

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Recently I've been recruited by the US military. They thought my cooking would be a less humane replacement for water boarding. I start my new job as head chef at Guantánamo next week.