Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Elliptical machines do not have genitalia so don't bother looking.

I gained fifteen pounds when I quit smoking four months ago.  Now I need to lose twenty-five pounds (yeah, I needed to lose ten before I quit smoking...shut up).  I need to do something before my weight gets so out of hand even Ruby thinks I've let myself go.

Hey ya'll

I've tried bingeing and purging.  Believe it or not, the bingeing part is pretty easy.  I just can't make myself throw up.  I am notorious for suppressing the urge to puke.  This talent comes in handy when one is intoxicated in public, but not when one wants to get rid of that cheeseburger one just scarfed down in three bites.

Ok, so bulimia is out.  What about laxatives you ask?  I think not.  I have a fear of anal leakage.  I'm clenching my buttocks as we speak.

That leaves anorexia.  I need to decrease my caloric intake to next to nothing and work out like a maniac.    K, that might work, if I weren't addicted to Fruity Pebbles and reality television.

GTL baby!

After absolutely no much debate I decided to just stop eating like a pig and start working out.

I've been repeating the mantra "Little Debbie snack cakes are not a meal!" and I recently bought an elliptical machine.  I am in love with my elliptical machine.  It's the only best piece of equipment I've ever used to work out on and that includes my vibrator.  I named my elliptical machine "Mack" and I want to make sweet sweet love to him, but I can't find his penis.

So far I haven't lost a fucking pound, but I've only been at it for a week.  I'm gonna give it another month before I start smoking again and take up crack.  Crackheads are always skinny.

Crack is wack!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Now that is one fierce flautist!

My kid came home from school today with a note that said fifth graders can join the band, and if he's interested he has to pick an instrument.

He promptly informed me with utmost confidence that he IS going to play the flute.

me: (silent pause - blink, blink) You want to play the flute?

him: (nodding head - arms folded - serious "I mean business" body language) Yes.

I know what you're thinking. Your son is gay.

If my kid is gay, he had better be really fucking gay. I mean drag queen, fabulous and fierce gay! *sigh* That would be so awesome. We could shop together for body shapers and bra stuffers. He could show me the proper way to apply makeup to cover my five o'clock shadow. I could help him with his act (he, of course would impersonate Bette Midler). Ah. A mother can dream right? Unfortunately my kid likes guns and breaking stuff.

Anyway.....to protect him from ruthless teasing from bratty 10 year old boys, I told him only girls play the flute.

And this guy.

He decided he'd rather play baseball.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Taxidermically Speaking

Ever since my Pa started shooting squirrels from the trees at The Ranch (his one acre vacation home) I've wanted to taxidermy their tiny furry bodies and dress them up as human characters - like gangs of Mexican Banditos or 80's New Wave icon Robert Smith.

Is that weird?

Um......no fucking way. It's genius!

See, I could totally give my hand crafted creations to my family and friends as gifts. Who wouldn't want to receive one of these on Christmas morn?
My sister is gonna love this!

Of course word will travel fast and my critters will become the envy of all their friends and neighbors. I can see it now. It'll become an international phenomenon. SoHo art galleries and high end hoity toity interior designers are going to clamber for one of my original works of art, each of which is mounted on a block of rich mahogany for that extra touch of class. A hula dancing chipmunk focal piece can really pull a room together.

Holy crap.......I'm on to something here. I think I'm really on to something! I'm gonna be so rich!

Don't believe me? Well I Googled "Taxadermied Rodents" smartass. See for yourself.....

Steve Carell's character in Dinner for Schmucks showing off his Last Supper rat diorama.

Hipster beer koozie.

The freaking Pope.

This one could be for Grandma.

Mmmmmhmm. The future is staring you in the face with it's beady little eyes.

There is one small problem though. Doing the actual taxidermy is beyond GROSS! There is NO WAY I'm gonna skin a squirrel. *shudder*

I guess I'll pursue my other life long dream. MACRAME. The 70's is totally in right now and those owls were mega cool.

I'm gonna be RICH!!!!

Ok, perhaps this is slightly cuter and more suitable for gift giving than taxidermied rodents.