My kid came home from school today with a note that said fifth graders can join the band, and if he's interested he has to pick an instrument.
He promptly informed me with utmost confidence that he IS going to play the flute.
me: (silent pause - blink, blink) You want to play the flute?
him: (nodding head - arms folded - serious "I mean business" body language) Yes.
I know what you're thinking. Your son is gay.
If my kid is gay, he had better be really fucking gay. I mean drag queen, fabulous and fierce gay! *sigh* That would be so awesome. We could shop together for body shapers and bra stuffers. He could show me the proper way to apply makeup to cover my five o'clock shadow. I could help him with his act (he, of course would impersonate Bette Midler). Ah. A mother can dream right? Unfortunately my kid likes guns and breaking stuff.
Anyway.....to protect him from ruthless teasing from bratty 10 year old boys, I told him only girls play the flute.
And this guy.
He decided he'd rather play baseball.
When you mentioned FLUTE, I immediately thought Jethro Tull... so I was pleasantly surprised to see the picture. Maybe your son, after years of practice, could front a Jethro Tull cover band... and make his mother proud. Perhaps a summer at Band Camp could boost his confidence, after he learns what else you can do with a flute.
ReplyDeleteUmmm, you have a Five O'Clock shadow? Really?
I doubt it. Even red-headed men have a hard time growing a beard (and stuffing their bras).
Jethro totally rocked that flute. I agree with Lee. PLUS, I wish I had a gay son. He'd so be my best friend. Every woman needs a flamboyantly gay guy in her life.
ReplyDeleteHe's not gay. If he was, he would have said he wanted to play the skin flute....
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
God you crack me up. I don't have any problem with him being gay, Mox, but I am thrilled that he picked baseball. You know how I love me some baseball.
ReplyDeleteLisa
@Lee- I could not think of way my son could disappoint me more than becoming the front man of a Jethro Tull cover band. I'd rather see him become a republican! *shudder*.
ReplyDeleteBTW. I hear red-headed men stuff their bras and their pants.
@Miss Nikki - I used to have an abundance of gay men in my life, but they all moved away. I wonder if it's my hatred for Jethro Tull that drove them away. I doubt it.
@Mrs. P - you are a sick and twisted beast xoxoxox
@Lisa - I did think of you when he said he wanted to play baseball :) Hopefully he didn't inherit my athletic skills. pssst. I played the flute.
Well, Ainsley wants to play the drums because "you don't needs lessons". I say let him play the flute, and they can start a noise band!
ReplyDeleteTHAT. IS. AWESOME. (and funny). But mostly awesome! Why? Because all I can think of is "Ron Burgundy" and his Jazz Flute performance on Anchorman.
ReplyDeleteps - I agree on the gay thing too! They are way more fun to hang with!
Love the gay flute players. Almost as much as the lesbian flute players.
ReplyDeleteHmmm I actually thought he might want to play flute so that he could meet girls, since he would be the only boy amongst the girls. I thought he was being pretty clever ;)
ReplyDelete@Sam - I think Ainsley might be too intimidating for him LOL
ReplyDelete@Spanky - I dabble in Jazz Flute
@LSLW - Lesbian flute players leave me satisfied.
@DD - He still thinks girls have cooties, he's only 10.
I just read all of your blog posts on this new blog, and with all due respect to the genius that is Mrs.P, it's been a while since I read anything this hilarious. I think the one and only time I laughed this much at a written word was when I was reading Forrest Gump.
ReplyDeleteYou simply GOTTA update more often, Mox.
Thanks Jelena! I'm flattered :) I am working on a new post...it'll be up in the next day or two.
ReplyDeleteHi - new to your blog, like it a lot. Three pearls of wisdom to share ---
ReplyDelete1- Creeped out by the pic. A lot.
2- Your son is not gay. Take it from me, Mr Gay, the football thing means not gay.
3- If your son were gay, then "playing the flute" would have a whole different meaning. Just sayin...
@Brahm Welcome!!!! You're my first gay (I think) and my second male reader. You can be the son I've always wanted.
ReplyDeleteI'm way better at commenting than actually posting, so don't get your hopes up.
My responses to your pearls:
1 - My #1 goal is to creep out readers.
2 - He decided to play baseball, not football. Geez you're gay/Canadian.
3 - Trust me. I know a little something about "playing the flute" (literally and figuratively)
My boyfriend used to tell people he played the skin flute. He'd announce it whenever the topic of music came up, at family dinners, birthdays, etc. He didn't know what it meant, and I never told him.
ReplyDeleteNot my problem, you know? A girl's gotta get her laugh on somehow.
Yes, a guy has to play a fife, not a flute. And wrap his leg in a bloody bandage and do Revolutionary War reenactments. That's butch.
ReplyDeleteThe Fred Effect
@SMUK - is your boyfriend foreign?
ReplyDelete@Fred - You can drop your fife, but you can never drop the flag! (or trou......that really pisses off the Confederates.)
I have girls so I can speak to the same feeling of having boys, but as a girl who used to date boys (and am now married to one), I agree: if your son is going to be gay, it's better that he go for it full-on. Because there's nothing worse than the boys that you're just not sure about. They seem interested, and then pick you up on your first date and you realize they drive a red miata. THAT guy, he probably played the flute. Or the triangle.
ReplyDelete