Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Elliptical machines do not have genitalia so don't bother looking.

I gained fifteen pounds when I quit smoking four months ago.  Now I need to lose twenty-five pounds (yeah, I needed to lose ten before I quit smoking...shut up).  I need to do something before my weight gets so out of hand even Ruby thinks I've let myself go.

Hey ya'll

I've tried bingeing and purging.  Believe it or not, the bingeing part is pretty easy.  I just can't make myself throw up.  I am notorious for suppressing the urge to puke.  This talent comes in handy when one is intoxicated in public, but not when one wants to get rid of that cheeseburger one just scarfed down in three bites.

Ok, so bulimia is out.  What about laxatives you ask?  I think not.  I have a fear of anal leakage.  I'm clenching my buttocks as we speak.

That leaves anorexia.  I need to decrease my caloric intake to next to nothing and work out like a maniac.    K, that might work, if I weren't addicted to Fruity Pebbles and reality television.

GTL baby!

After absolutely no much debate I decided to just stop eating like a pig and start working out.

I've been repeating the mantra "Little Debbie snack cakes are not a meal!" and I recently bought an elliptical machine.  I am in love with my elliptical machine.  It's the only best piece of equipment I've ever used to work out on and that includes my vibrator.  I named my elliptical machine "Mack" and I want to make sweet sweet love to him, but I can't find his penis.

So far I haven't lost a fucking pound, but I've only been at it for a week.  I'm gonna give it another month before I start smoking again and take up crack.  Crackheads are always skinny.

Crack is wack!


  1. I know how you feel! Although my problems with weight have been life long. And maybe I can blame a *little tiny* part on genetics (I come from a long line of big bosomed 'n bottomed women) my main problem stems from the fact that I eat like a 14-year-old boy, just without the 14-year-old boy metabolism. Couple that with the fact that I don't like to move, and I've packed on the pounds these past few (10) years.

    What I've been doing since early summer is pretty much what you've been doing as well: diet and exercise. I don't consume any more than 2,000 calories a day, have cut out processed foods, white breads, sugars, and have drastically cut down on my salt intake. I'm eating mostly raw foods, like fruits and vegetables. When I eat meat, it's mostly salmon. (but I cook that, heh) I'll admit it - it's shitty and unsatisfying..I still crave junk like Whitney craves crank. But! I've lost 32 pounds since June. So..something's being done right, yeah?

    I'd stay away from the ass-flavored shakes, though. They'll take you straight back to the Big Macs.

  2. Also - The Situation looks like an old man in that picture. OMF = Old Man Face. It's the new thing.

  3. My elliptical machine has a penis.
    Oh wait...that's not an elliptical machine.

  4. You are gonna love Thirsty Thursday - it's diet this week.

    I've been tying to consume less than 1700 calories per day based on the calculation that this is how many I burn in one normal day, so if I eat less, then I will lose weight. I've tried working out, I've tried weight watchers... I just love junk food too much. I have no discipline. We'll see how it goes! Good luck to you!

  5. Lately, I've seen a lot of people mention how they've gained weight when they stopped smoking, so I'm going to attribute these few kilos to that. I too, quit 5 months ago.

  6. Damn it, I forgot to mention, just in case, that this is me, Jelena. I just changed my name and avatar because I, too, started another blog. I swear I'm not copying you, Mox. :D

  7. Elliptical machine > vibrator. Cannot compute... system malfunction... must shut down immediately...

  8. Your elliptical is name Mack and Mrs. P's computer is Mackie!! I see a trend here. Hmmm if the two meet will we have Macklets??

    Good luck with your weight loss!! I like your choice of eating better and exercise.

    http://twilighter4fitness.blogspot.com/ is a good blog to check out for some fitness/health info. It is run by @Team_SixPack (on twitter) and she can be an excellent source of information, help and support.

  9. @Sam - I was eating under 1000 cals a day and was told that is a no no. I'm going to start eating 1200 from now on and see if that helps because, still, no weight loss. Just one giant pinkie toe blister. I'm very frustrated.

    I think the shower cap brings out the OMF on The Situation. You should see him in his orthopedic shoes.

    @Mrs. P - The handles are long and sleek and rock back and forth. wait....WHAT?

    @MB - I love me some junk food too! And booze. I'm looking forward to reading your Thursday Thursday low cal offering ;)

    @*Jelly Baby* - I thought I recognized you ;) What's your new blog address? Want to step outside and have a smoke?

    @Sassy Stylings - It would make for an interesting and motivational combo. If my elliptical gave me an orgasm I'd never stop.

    @DD - I guess I had "Mack" on the brain. Maybe I just need a Big Mac. Who knows? Thanks for the blog referral. I'll check it out.

  10. ok so eating around 1500 calories a day will help you lose weight.. you do not want to starve yourself. Last year (when i was going to the gym daily & eating under 1700 calories) I had lost 25 pounds within a few months.. The 1st month was the worst because you are still re-training your mind and body to not want those ding dongs all the time or the soda.. After that, your body will get used to not eating as much daily.. however, i would still eat "junk" as long as it was under my calories for the day and i would still drop the weight.. NOW.. if you are only doing the eliptical, your body will get used to it and you will not lose weight.. you HAVE to switch up your routine every other week in order for your body to be confused enough to drop the weight.. i worked with a personal trainer for a few months (she is still my good friend) so i know just a few things!! and i just saw you and you look great, so im not sure where this 25 pounds is hiding that you want to lose..

  11. This is hysterical and very clever. I knew you were going to start another blog, but didn't know you actually had...until I saw ya on Mrs. P's "other blog." I'm off to explore :)

    xo J

  12. JFC...chica, I am going to come and visit you in Arizona and give you a cooking lesson...LMAO! Though I have my cooking failures too.

    I am very glad you love your eliptical! It is much nicer to exercise when you don't want to take a sledge hammer to the work out machine just from looking at it! I love tred-mills and recently have fallen in love with Zumba...so fun...