Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Blame Country Crock

Hiya housewives! Lets earn our keep and bake some cookies together.

I find kitchen activities to be much more enjoyable (or tolerable) when accompanied by my favorite music so before we begin I'll be cranking up the Bad Brains.

Pull out your trusty Betty Crocker Cook Book and find the one cookie recipe in which you already have every ingredient in your pantry. We wouldn't want to put in the extra effort of going to the grocery store now would we? Hmmmm....Sugar Cookies. Perfect! I have flour, sugar and eggs. Baking soda that has been in the fridge for a year to keep away nasty odors is still good for baking right? Sure...why not. Giant tub of Country Crock counts as margarine or butter right? Of course it does!

Next, measure carefully and dump all of the ingredients into a large bowl. Sifting the dry ingredients then slowly adding the wet can't be that important. Note: Make sure your mixer isn't set on the highest me on this one. Once everything is thoroughly mixed lick the beaters, but make sure you do it on the sly or you'll have to share them with your rotten kids.

The directions say to chill the dough for two hours before forming it into one inch balls and dropping them on baking sheets. (*giggle* balls dropping). Hmmm...I don't think the dough needs to be chilled for THAT long. I don't know about you, but I'm in the baking zone now. Thirty minutes ought to do it. Thankfully we don't have to use cookie cutters for this type of sugar cookie because this happy homemaker only has penis shaped ones.

Find your best cookie sheets. Don't use the rusty ones that you insist on cramming in the dishwasher under the assumption that if it fits, it must be dishwasher safe. Roll the incredibly sticky dough into balls *giggle*, cover in sugar and drop them about an inch apart on to the sheet. I think you can probably shove them a little closer together. After all, we don't want to be at this all day. Set the timer on the oven for fifteen minutes, prepare a vodka and coke (or whatever your preferred cocktail is), turn on the tv and watch your stories until you hear the buzzer.


First batch done and ready to cool! Hmmm...mine kinda grew together into multi-cookie blobs. Oh well, more cookie to love. Remove (scrape) the cookies from the baking sheet with a spatula. Dammit. The first one is sticking pretty good. Lets try a sturdier spatula (maybe a snow shovel). Nope....this batch seems to be holding on for dear life, and crumbling as soon as they're separated from their home to be placed on the cooling rack. SON OF A! Maybe it's the sheet. Yeah, that must be it. The next batch will be perfect.

I think I'll have another cocktail.

Fifteen minutes later. FUCK ME! Cookies are still sticking to the sheet as if that is their sole purpose in life before they disintegrate..................and there is a half a batch waiting to be baked. *face palm*

Fuck it....I'm just going to eat the rest of the dough.

"Me think you're doing it wrong."


  1. LMAO....I am so with you! You make me laugh!

  2. I have the same rusted up cookie sheets and I whip them out everytime. What could it cost to get new ones??? Ten bucks??? Nope...can't seem to do it.

  3. LOL! Great post. It just goes to show that nothing good can come from removing real butter from your fridge. Also, you said balls. Hahahah!

  4. P.S. Found you at studio thirty plus. Love the blog name!

  5. @FabuLeslie - Hey thanks for dropping in. I checked out your blog and loved it. I'm the proud mother of one human child and one boston terrier from hell.

  6. First visit and I am loving your new blog!!! I'm not exactly a suburban housewife, but I'm definitely feeling ya (not in a dirty way). :)

    LMAO@ "Once everything is thoroughly mixed lick the beaters, but make sure you do it on the sly or you'll have to share them with your rotten kids." "the rusty ones that you insist on cramming in the dishwasher under the assumption that if it fits, it must be dishwasher safe" and "I'm just going to eat the rest of the dough."

    yeah, I totes do those things too!

  7. Hmmmm don't ever try to make gluten free cookies then. They love to hold on for dear life too. I once threw out a cookie tray with the cookies clinging to it... there was no way to save any of it.

  8. I prefer to buy the pre-cut cookie squares that can be found in the eggs 'n butter section at the grocery store. Because I just cannot be arsed to do any mixing or measuring. Also - I hear the warmer it is, the quicker your balls drop. And how does one handle dropped balls, anyway?

  9. @Smitten - thanks for the solidarity, even if you aren't a housewife.

    @DD - Don't ever make gluten free monkey bread. It doubles for pot hole filler.

    @Sam - Drop um like they're hot, I guess.

  10. Penis shaped cookie cutters, huh. That's pretty balls-y.

  11. @Dangrdafne - lmfao, i honestly lol'd when I read your response.. I have 2 heavy duty cookie sheets and then 4 crusty sheets from the 70's that my mom insists are still good to use & told me never to throw them away.. So needless to say, I still use them.. I like the Betty Crocker Snickerdoodle recipe - it makes delish cookies all the time!