Friday, January 7, 2011

Whatchu talkin' bout Hillary Clinton?

Satan called the other day to complain about my septic system.

He informed me in a deep, garbled, ominous voice that he and the Department of Agriculture are working together in an effort to put an end to poorly maintained leach fields within the county.

As you can imagine I was a little taken aback. It isn't every day I get a phone call from Hell (unless collection agencies are located in Hell - which, they probably are.) I stopped listening to what he was saying after the first sentence, same as when collectors call, then I quickly hung up. The Devil and collectors can't get you if you hang up within 45 seconds. It's a fact.

At first I thought it was a joke. I'm pretty sure the possessed girl who lives across the street, Alexis, could have been prank calling me since she HATES me.

One morning when I dropped the kids off at school for carpool I said, "Have a good day." which prompted a glare of pure evil from Alexis.....then her head spun completely around and she projectile vomited Cap'n Crunch right in my FACE!

Ok maybe her head didn't spin around and maybe she didn't puke, but that eight year old kid did glare at me like she wanted me dead and knew exactly how to do it without witnesses and minimal blood splatter.

It was exactly like this cept Alexis is white and I'm not Hillary Clinton.

Where was I....oh yeah, The Devil. Now, I suppose he has a point. I never thought about Hell being bothered by a little raw sewage, but it appears as though shit does indeed, roll downhill. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised the residents noticed at all. Isn't Hell supposed to be unpleasant? *shrug* Who knows. I guess even The Devil has his limits and having someone else's poop flood your home is pretty damn gross. I think I'd rather be burned alive. (Satan, if you're listening, that is not an invitation)

*The inner workings of a septic tank.

Then it dawned on me. I don't even have a septic system! This wasn't a direct line from Hades to my home phone at all. It was just a malfunctioning automated message from the county that sounded like Satan, not Satan himself(although some would beg to differ) tax dollars at work.

*Thanks to Lee from Lee Blogs and Drinks Pogs for the illustration.


  1. see, i bet Alexis didn't spin her head in front of you, but i'm sure as you turned round her head was going round like a catherine wheel with projectile vomit at the same time. brill post, made me laugh out loud.

  2. Hahaha, I actually almost forgot how funny you are. ;)

    So, I'm really curious about the backup story of that photo. Why's the kid giving Hillary the death stare?

  3. I bet Alexis poops in your car now. Keep your doors locked.

  4. Actually Satan does work for your county. Times are hard, everybody's tackling on extra side jobs!

    惄 my cyber house rules

  5. I'm prety sure that drawing is 100% accurate, and the pee floats precisely above the poopies.

    Kudos to Lee.

    Also, sorry about that whole Satan scare.

  6. Are you some kind of professional plumbing teacher? Because now I understand septic systems!